I Am Not Your Friend. (And other good things about seeing a therapist.)

No offense, Regina, but your friends are not your therapist. I have amazing friends. Many of my friends are therapists. Sometimes my therapist friends say things that I know are steeped in their therapy training. That’s nice. It’s a perk, I’ll admit it. But even therapist friends don’t actually make good therapists to their friends. 

Can time with your friends be therapeutic? YES!

Can your friends occasionally give you good advice? YES!

Can you friends come at you without condition and love you through your crap? YES!

But there can be a few differences between Ms. NewLeaf, LMFT and your sister from another mister, Rita that you’ve known since the fourth grade. . LET’S EXPLORE!

Your Friend Needs you. Your therapist doesn’t.

The closer you are to someone, the more likely it is that there will be times when you both need each other at the same time. If you’re anything like me that means your pain would take a backseat to the pain of a friend. Or the opposite might be true and you might later discover that your pain had been taking the front seat and your friend has been feeling left out or in need. Is it part of friendship to support each other as much as you can? Yes! But will your bestie always be there for you? Not necessarily. A therapist never needs you. You’ll not launch into what is currently breaking your heart and your therapist interrupt with a story bigger and worse than yours. 

 

Your Friend Needs you to BE you. Your Therapist Doesn’t.

When you ask a friend for advice, there is a part of them that feels like they really know you. They know how you are and who you are and you are always doing this or that and some things never change, etc. There’s a part of your friend that needs that consistency. They are your friend BECAUSE they love you as you are. Sometimes that translates into advice that keeps you being the same old Regina. Sometimes that’s good. Sometimes the same old Regina is not who you want to keep being. Ms. Newleaf, LMFT doesn’t need you to be anything, so you can become anyone. 


Your Friend Needs you to keep loving them. Your therapist doesn’t. 

You and Rita go way back. All the way back to Ms Gottleib’s fourth grade recess. Sometimes Rita side steps telling you the hard truth because she doesn’t want to hurt you. She also might not want to give you bad advice and you come back to her and blame her if it blows up. She might even say things that you would expect her to so that you keep thinking she’s great. Your therapist usually isn’t concerned with how much you love them. It’s nice. But I have said very honest things to people and never seen them again. I know they don’t like me now, but they heard the truth. 


Your Friend’s ego might be tied up in you taking their advice. Your Therapist’s Isn’t. 

Have you ever said this. “OMG, Margie asks me for advice and then does the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I told her she should! Why even ASK?” That’s Barbara complaining that Margie never takes her advice. This right here is not about sound, wise advice and how foolish Margie is to not listen. This is about Barbara’s ego and Margie not validating it. Therapists don’t do this. Listen real good to this part because it’s important. Therapists don’t even give advice. A therapist’s number one priority is helping YOU find YOUR solution not advise you on the best course of action. 


Your Friend could be the SOURCE of your problem. Your therapist isn’t. 

We are who we associate with. Sometimes the people we associate with lure us into patterns of behavior that we know we shouldn’t be engaging in. If you bring your problems to some friends you might get an answer like, “Meh, that’s no big deal, we all do that!” Sometimes a therapist will normalize things like that, but they also have nothing to lose by helping you declare that something is unhealthy. Your friends can lose their partner in crime. 


Now, a disclaimer: Do all friends commit all of these sins? NO. I have lots of friends who can be honest with me, and tell it like it is, and they have been with me through many changes. But are all of these things a threat when getting some kinds of help from friends instead of professionals? YES. 


Another disclaimer: I made a lot of assumptions about what therapists don’t do. I can truthfully only speak about myself. I know I work very hard to NOT do the things I said therapists don’t do, but that doesn’t guarantee that someone you are seeing isn’t doing them in some fashion. If they are doing any of them, I recommend you bring it up. Toss a wrench in their machine (metaphorically speaking.) Therapists are just humans and they face burnout and have bad days. Most are ok if you challenge them. If they don’t listen or dismiss your complaint, well...Find a new therapist. 


I have a few openings. 


Your Assumptions are Broiling your Marriage.

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