I remember when I was in grade school a teacher told the class that assuming was one of the worst things you can do. Then she wrote ASSUME on the board and said “Assuming makes an,” she paused to circle the first three letters, “out of,” she circled the fourth letter, “and,” she circled the last two letters. I was all of ten, but knew what she was wanting us to hear. Assuming, makes an ass out of you and me. I chuckled at the vile language. Teacher just CUSSED! Then I proceeded to file the memory under “Things I’ll never forget.”
Frequently in session, couples talk about the fights they have. INEVITABLY one or both partners is actively making up huge parts of the story. In many ways, assuming is just actively making things up when we don’t know them for a fact. We didn’t invent them to be malicious. Usually it’s just the opposite: we assume because asking for the truth is a little scary. Sometimes we use assumptions to give our partner treats and surprises. Assumptions can really hot-wire an exchange. The more we can assume, the less we have to put into words. An assumption is like the broiler setting on your oven. It’s a quick, powerful way to get cooking, but can very easily get out of control and ruin everything. You aren’t going to stop making assumptions altogether. And that’s okay. But if you want a stronger relationship, here are six that you should carefully consider when you find yourself knee deep in conflict.
Assuming you know their feelings.
You can look at someone’s face and try to interpret what emotion is brewing inside of them. You can even frequently get it right on the money. But if you assume an emotion because of a face, or a word, or a tone and fail to validate it with open curiosity, you could spend a lot of time chasing the wrong rabbit down the wrong trail. It only takes a second to say, “I feel like you’re mad at me. Am I right? Or am I missing something?”
Assuming you know what happened.
They left the trash in the can. You specifically asked them to put it outside on their way to work this morning and they didn’t do it. You could assume they are a narcissistic ogre who doesn’t have the decency to do the one little thing you asked of them. Or, you could ask with genuine, open curiosity about what happened this morning. You noticed the trash and feel like something must have gone wrong. “Is everything okay?”
Assuming something has/hasn’t changed.
It’s time to head out for dinner and you’re about to make the decision on where to eat. You could assume that you are going to La Empanada for the 89th Thursday in a row. Or you could say, “Are we in the mood for Empanadas?! Ole!”
Assuming you know what they were thinking.
You’re having a lovely dinner out, you look up and see him smile at something across the room. You turn and see a young woman with big boobs in a tight red dress. You could assume he was flirting with her and probably has a lot of women on the side. Or you could ask, “What are you smiling about??” and wait to hear about how the waiter just tripped over that old lady’s walker.
Assuming their permission.
Your cousin is traveling through town and has asked if they could spend a couple weeks at your place. Not to worry about space because they have their RV the can just park in the front. You have a septic hook up right? You could assume your wife was fine with this and just say “Yeah Cuz, brang it!” Or you could say, “Oh man, I’m going to have to look into that. The HOA might have an opinion on that. Let me get back to you.”
Assuming the worst.
I saved the best for last. This one rules all the other ones. You could live your life freely making all the other five assumptions and find your way to the other side of all of those fights. But when you start doing this one, you’re on a path that (at best) lands you on my couch. I won’t even give a story, I’ll just give you examples. “I just assumed you didn’t want me.” “I figured I didn’t matter.” “I didn’t want you to hate me.” “I didn’t think you would care.”
If you used a broiler incorrectly, you will burn all of your food and just have to throw it out. There really is no way to restore burnt cheese. Fortunately, if you mishandle the powerful tool of the assumption and cause damage there is a remedy: Apologize. Empathize with what they might feel like having been assumed on and feel bad about it. Let them see you feel bad. Then remember later to not make such an ass of yourself. Try to avoid using the broiler setting on your relationship oven and set it instead to the slow warm of Curiosity. There is nothing sexier or more inviting than someone who just wants to understand you better and know you for the sake of knowing you.
if you need help understanding how to bake, please don’t call me. If you need help in your relationship, I have appointments open in the next five business days.