There are lots of rules of engagement in my office when seeing a couple. Some of them are kind of obvious. No Punching. No spitting. No name calling. One that surprises people most is my banning of the phrase, “I Understand.” I loathe this phrase. For one, its often used as a way to shut your spouse up.
“I understand Peg, you don’t have to keep going on about it.”
Even though this annoys me it is not the primary reason I don’t allow it. The main reason is, it’s an impossible statement to make without some level of assumption being made. It’s a hot-wiring of communication. It’s a short cut to find resolution. And often it’s the number one culprit in getting a couple lost in the communication woods, frustrated and running out of supplies.
The truth of “who understands what” is that I cannot declare unilaterally that I understand something. I can feel like I understand, I can gather what meaning I think there is in a person’s statement but only the person originating the information can declare whether or not I have understood it. It’s kind of like taking a test in school. I have sat and listened to the teacher and think that a subject makes sense in to me, but my understanding is only certified when that teacher gives me a test and I can demonstrate that I understand.
When we are fighting, we are so uncomfortable that we often make a mad dash for understanding, frequently declaring we have arrived without any input from the communicator. This is why one of the most fundamental parts of communication (and often the most overlooked) is in the reflection. When your partner says something to you, it’s imperative that you reflect back to them what you hear as a way of demonstrating that you have heard things in the way they have intended you to hear them.
Brushing past this step means you could hear what your partner is not saying, miss what your partner is saying or misinterpret the importance or meaning behind why your partner is saying it. Landmines of communication exist in all of those places.
So shove “I understand” out the window and invite in phrases like, ‘Let me see if I understand.” or “This is what I hear, tell me what I’m missing.” or “have I understood what you mean?” It could make a world of difference!