Admittedly, I took classes on how to listen. I’m a pro. I know what I’m looking for, I know what I want to hear, and I know how to ask questions to evoke deeper and longer stories. I can get most people to literally talk about themselves for an hour and not so much as once say anything about myself. It’s almost creepy.
If you are like most people I meet, you were likely never taught how to listen. You may have learned what listening looks like (eye contact, nod, smile.) But might not know how to walk away from a conversation in a way that the other person felt deeply seen and heard. Let me share a few insider tips.
Pay Attention
Most people can’t actually multi-task, so put down your phone, turn down the tele, face your partner and prepare to pay attention. Watch their body, watch their face, try and hold on to the story, the emotion, the energy. Gather details. Commit to being a listener.
Reflect what you hear
We’ve talked about this. You have to clarify what has been said. Phrases like, “So I hear you saying…” or “Okay, so let me get this straight…” are great ways to just briefly check in that you have really understood what is being said. MANY MANY times in family counseling a listener will check in and be WAY OFF with what they have heard. You can’t be the authority on your understanding. You must ask the speaker if you have understood. If you get it wrong?
Ask for more details
Can you explain that in a different way? What was that like for you? Does this remind you of other times? What were you thinking after all that? Then there is my personal favorite “What does this mean to you?” It’s okay to have a few of these in your pocket, but if you’re really engaged in hearing the story, and in putting yourself in the other person’s place, you’re bound to come up with a few dazzlers all your own.
Try to put yourself to the side
Shoot. I know. It’s hard to be misunderstood or misrepresented in the eyes of another person. Especially if that other person is someone we love and they have interpreted our actions to be mean! We want to clarify ASAP and relieve them of the burden of feeling bad! OHMIGOSH I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT!! YOU’RE WRONG!! THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!! Occasionally, you might win that battle. But over time you’ll look dismissive, uncaring, or even gas-light-y. You do not want to look gas-light-y. It’s frustrating when someone sees details differently from you, but details are not what matters in your interactions. The relationship is what matters. So relax. Let your speaker say what they need to say, and try to just consider what a situation might have felt like for them.
Validate
Validating your partner doesn’t mean telling them they are right. Validation means, “What you’re experiencing makes sense.” Most of us, nearly all of us, make sense. There are a few people in the world who don’t make any, and chances are you aren’t talking to them. If you take the time to really understand and see things from the perspective of your partner, their experience will likely make sense. If someone doesn’t make any sense to you, then you don’t have all the information. You might have to spend some time to find out what you’re missing. But you can do it!
Once you get to this point in listening the paths diverge depending on the subject matter. But trust me, if you master these few tips, you’ll be an ace in no time. People will be seeking you out because you’re just so nice to talk to! Try not to hurt my business too much by being better than me, though. I need my paycheck. :)