“I’m sorry.”
I have had the pleasure of meeting couples in my career who found it impossible to say those words. The impact of this short sentence when uttered with sincerity is limitless. And yet, many people never learn to wield its power. Instead, people get hurt by improperly using this incredible medicine and come back to me telling saying it didn’t work and their spouse is just impossible. Their situation is hopeless.
I think it’s important to understand that there are ways of apologizing that aren’t actually healing moments. They are imposter apologies that sound like I’m sorry but come from a much different emotional posture and do actually make things a lot worse for the person that has already been hurt. Let me introduce you to a few I have met personally.
The Self-Deprecating Apology
The self deprecating apology is big. He is dramatic. He is sack-cloth and ashes clawing at his chest in despair because he messed up again and he is worthless and has never deserved your love. He can’t look you in the eye for days because he forgot to take out the garbage. He works tirelessly to serve your every whim to earn back your heart’s favor. This is not an apology, this is low self esteem and consequence avoidance. I employed this when I got in trouble at school and had to tell my mom I got ISS. By the time she got home I was so worked up in snot and tears that she felt too bad to punish me. The person who employs this is so deeply afraid of being abandoned or discarded that their people pleasing kicks into overdrive and they have to make things right. The hurt person must know they are remorseful and restore them immediately.
The reason this apology doesn’t work is because it’s not about the offended party, it’s about the offender. It puts the hurt party in the position to have to accept the apology or otherwise be a real jerk. I mean what kind of ass would let someone castigate themselves and not relieve them of their prison?! As the offending party, understand that too much agony and anguish is actually adding more burden to the person you hurt. Now they have to suffer through watching their feelings hurt you and everyone feels bad. If you have done something that hurt someone else and the thought of them hurting is painful to you, the pain you feel is yours to feel, not a position from which you need rescued. Feel it. Agonize. Think about what happened. Have regrets, feel remorse, learn from your pain. Their forgiveness doesn’t rescue you from that pain, behavioral change does. And nothing causes change like discomfort.
The Invalidating Apology
Inevitably, when a couple is learning about good communication and working through a disagreement, they will step on this landmine of an imposter apology. This is the apology who goes through the motions and gets mad that it didn’t work. The injured spouse explains their hurt and the offending party jumps to say, “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.” 80% of the time, the sentence is followed up with a “but” and some long explanation about how that is not what happened and they are actually wrong and if they could see it clearly it wouldn’t have hurt them and this whole discussion is ridiculous. That’s not an apology, Mary. That’s just classic defensiveness.
If you ask me, Mary is only saying these things because she either doesn’t completely understand what her spouse is going through or she’s unable to tolerate the possibility that how she did or said something had the potential to hurt another person. What this apology is really lacking is for the offending spouse to take responsibility. This doesn’t mean admitting that what we said or did was malicious and sprung from the intention of hurting the one we love, it just means that you own what you said, and what you did and consider your partner’s perspective long enough for it to make sense in your eyes. It means exhaling, relaxing your shoulders, softening your face and listening to your partners perspective until you can say with conviction, “It makes sense that you saw it that way. I can see why you’d be upset by that. If I could go back and do it differently, I would. I’m sorry.”
The Shut-Up Already Apology
Picture jazz hands, big eyes, high pitched and loud voice throwing up a white flag and shrieking, “I’m sorry! Alright?! God! Are you happy now?!” This is another imposter apology who feels like uttering the phrase “I’m sorry” is a sign of defeat, or an admission of guilt. They have put in a good fight and wrestled long and hard to try and defend themselves and the injured party is still working to be heard and understood. The apologizer is frustrated and tired and maybe angry that their partner won’t just drop it already. They might even feel like their partner is exaggerating and over-reacting. But they want so badly to just move on and be done that they try and give their partner what they want. Just say you’re sorry already!
The Sincere Apology
After all of these imposters, it seems important to give the real deal a once over. A sincere apology is rooted first in understanding. You can’t be sorry for something that doesn’t make sense to you. Most of us are married to rational people that we deeply love and with some effort and a curious questions we can get to the bottom of our partner’s hurts. This can be scary and difficult and feel really bad, but it’s vital to healing to be understood. The next ingredient in a real apology is validating your partner’s experience. This doesn’t have to be an admission of guilt, or telling them they are right about what they are afraid your words mean. It only means that it makes sense to you that the experience they had would generate the feelings they are experiencing. Then, and only then, you get to say, “Gosh, babe, I’m sorry.” Extra points if you can say what you’re sorry for. “Gosh babe, I’m sorry I said it that way, I can see how that came across.”
As with every post I make, there are exceptions. If you have tried employing genuine apology strategies and feel no relief. You might need to come in for some couple’s therapy. Feel free to reach me here.