Wouldn’t it be nice if relationships were more like driving? First of all, there would be a widely accepted set of rules for navigating a relationship. There would be special signals that we all used to help us all know our intentions and directions. People would have the pre-determined right of way that their path was more important in the moment. You’d be required to carry liability insurance in the event your relationship hurt someone. Most importantly, there would be relationships tests and only qualified suitable partners would be licensed to get behind the wheel of your heart.
What a Utopia.
Alas, we live in purely emotional anarchy and just anyone can enter a relationship willy-nilly and completely destroy each other. There are no good ways to navigate relationships wherein someone doesn’t get hurt.
Hang on, I went too far in the other direction.
The truth is there actually ARE time tested, researched-backed ways of communicating that afford people to arrive safely at their intended relationship destination with pretty consistent results. For example, when your partner (or friend, or anyone) comes to you with, stress, pain or a dilemma, there are several responses you can take. Some of these are real green lights, you can cruise through the moment with a safe confidence that you’ll get to the other side safely. Others are more of a yellow light situation. Yes, technically, the destruction you cause might not be your fault, but it’s risky and you should definitely look both ways before pushing the gas. And then, there are some red lights. Yes, you can go with it, but at your own peril. Also you’ll be paying for all the damages.
GREEN LIGHT RESPONSES
You can always LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. That means maybe asking some questions to get them to talk more. Questions like, “Whoa, what was that like for you?” “Then what happened?” “What was the hardest part about this for you?” “Has this ever happened to you before?” “What did you do next?” You want to really get a full picture of what it was like to be THEM in the situation. What were they feeling and thinking and doing. Yes, you can wreck this if you sound too judgmental or make a face like you’re questioning them. But that’s really more about staying in your lane, which we will talk about later.
You can also freely REFLECT BACK what you’re hearing. “Okay so, you said you like ice cream and they came back with ice cream sucks?!” “You’re just sitting there and your boss starts yelling at you??” This is another that can backfire if you don’t stay in your lane, so make sure you’re connecting to what their feeling is and reflecting that as well. You don’t want your partner to think you’re being sarcastic. This is also not your time to reflect ON what has happened. This is strictly giving them back what they have said so they know you are listening.
You can also VALIDATE their feelings by saying affirming things. Some examples of this might be, “Holy cow, yeah you’re mad, I’d be mad too!” “It makes a lot of sense that you’d be hurt by this.” “So you’re scared of this now? Yeah, that sounds about right. That’s scary!”
RED LIGHT RESPONSES
The Red Light Responses are those that you should never take. There is never a good time to say these kinds of things and they will likely not produce the outcome you’d like. Even on the rare occasions where they do go well, they are going to cost you something in the long run. Same as if you run a red light, you might not get in an accident, but you could also get a ticket in the mail later because the red light had one of those police camera thingies.
NEVER EVER EVER tell your partner they are over-reacting. If you have any suspicion they might be over-reacting, it’s likely that you either don’t understand what they are dealing with, don’t know how or what it means to them, or are overwhelmed yourself and looking for an escape. Feeling like someone is having an over reaction is rarely about them and most always about you. Suck it up. Reflect on your own emotional experience and never ever say this out loud to another person. It equates to hitting a hornets nest with a bat. By that I mean, things are about to get much worse for you.
Never Ever take the other person’s side or blame your partner for what happened. Listen, I know sometimes we all get upset about things that weren’t as they seem. And quite often the things that upset us are actually injuries from other relationships that just leave us wounded in certain places. Two people can live through the same experience and not agree on what happened. Trust me, I major in that. I also know that sometimes it seems helpful to offer up a nice reframe to their experience by offering alternate, less infuriating perspectives. But you are not the intentions police. Your opinion of the events of the story have no relevance. Just listen and side with the person you love. Ways of doing this are “Yeah your boss is a real jerk.” “Man was that guy in the store rude!”
Don’t use this story as a moment to point out your partner’s flaws. “You know, you do this to me, so I totally understand how your boss got mad, you are pretty lazy.” That’s not loving, friend. Also, there is never a good time to point out another person’s flaws. We’ll talk about that later.
YELLOW LIGHT RESPONSES
These kinds of responses are ONLY OKAY if two criteria have been met. I call this “looking both ways” before taking the yellow light. The first criteria is “Has my partner drained off their emotion?” If not, stick solely with green light behaviors. If they are breathing normally and seem calm and emotionally regulated, you are 50% approved to use these responses. The second criteria is “Has my partner given me enthusiastic verbal permission to deploy this response?” Not just a hesitant, nervous “Sure”. But a “Yes!! Please!! I need you!” Only when both criteria have been met can you choose the following.
Offering advice. I know. We like this one. We like to feel smart and we like to fix things. But this is ONLY helpful SOMETIMES. You’re actually better off if you wait for them to ask for this themselves.
Giving your perspective. Even if you try to do this, beware that sometimes it can come off like you’re telling someone they are over-reacting, or even siding with the other party in the story. Be careful to not approach any red light behaviors when offering your perspective.
Looking for the silver lining. Lots of us jump quick to this one because it feels the best. It feels hopeful and it feels like we are really believing in someone and in the greater good. This is a helpful thing to do, but not when someone is still in the hard feelings. It feels dismissive and minimizing and not good. Save that for when you have been given the right permission. I bet you can even do only greenlight behaviors and your partner could get to the silver lining all by themselves.
Listen, navigating relationships is hard. Some of these rules will seem counter intuitive to you at first. But so does not making right turns on red. But if the whole state of Maryland can agree on that rule, you can try these too. If you’re having trouble in your relationship and need special defensive driving courses, feel free to reach out.