You’re sitting at home, watching tv and your spouse comes in and says, “Honey, I’ve scheduled a therapy appointment for myself. I just have some stuff to work on.”
Great.
If you hear this and you think, “This is awesome, I’ve wanted them to do this forever!” This article is not for you. But, if your spouse saying this to you gives you some fear or worry, keep on reading.
Having someone we love purposefully visit with someone outside of our family and friends to talk about the problems they are dealing with can be really scary for the people in their life. If you have watched any tv or movies in the last 75 years you may be worried that your partner’s therapist is going to seduce them or brain wash them in some way. Maybe you’ll even be worried you’ll come home from work and they’ll be holding a glass of wine wrapped in saran wrap! (See Fried Green Tomatoes).
Something closer to the truth might be that a therapist is primarily there to listen, support and give perspective. All of that being said, you might find your spouse changing in ways that give you some discomfort. So here are a few things you might be able to expect from a spouse just starting therapy.
They may try to talk more about what they feel.
This can be jarring, and uncomfortable, especially if you aren’t the touchy feely kind of person. What’s likely happening is that they are finding a lot of comfort and clarity expressing feelings to a stranger and they want to experience that connection with you. It may even be that their therapist has encouraged them to share their feelings more with the one they love. That’s you, silly. When we first start sharing feelings it can be very bumpy and awkward. It can sound a lot more like criticism or complaining. But stay calm, hear them out and practice listening. This is probably more about them expressing something that you having anything profound to say in return. If you need tips on listening, try reading this
They may start experimenting with new habits.
You might see them breathing quietly in another room. Or staring at themselves in the mirror making grimaces. You may wake up to them out exercising or feverishly writing in a journal with their breakfast. They might even try on new phrases like “I don’t have to make breakfast, I want to make breakfast.” Sometimes change is about making small adjustments to our daily routine to unfreeze us from the mundane ways we have found ourselves stuck in. When we are confronted with the idea that we actually can change things, we get excited and we jump on board with new habits. Try not to be frightened and instead, stay curious. Ask questions and try to be supportive.
They might start having bad dreams or seem more sensitive.
Not all therapy brings out our best selves. Sometimes inner work is hard and we can keep doing it overnight. This sometimes leads to wacky dreams that make us feel weird or tired the next day. Extra kindness and patience is helpful when someone is exploring subjects they haven’t talked about out loud. Offer hugs, statements of encouragement, and ask if there’s anything you can do.
Let’s talk about some things that won’t happen. Now I can’t guarantee that these are true for all therapists, but if your spouse is coming to me I can pretty safely promise a few things.
We aren’t going to brainwash your spouse.
We don’t intentionally and arbitrarily plant ideas into your partners head. We aren’t making them more of a feminist or a narcissist or try to convince them that their religion is a lie. Most therapists utilize the resources that a client has (like religion, friends and family) to help them realize the dreams they have for themselves. This isn’t to say that your life won’t be disrupted by change, because maybe they have been squelching their own desires for a long time. But it is to say that as a therapist I don’t have any preconceived notions about how life ought to be lived.
We aren’t trying to turn your spouse against you.
This is the spousal fear I hear most of all. “You’re gonna go to them and they are going to make me out to be the bad guy because they are only going to hear your side!” This is a reasonable fear, and probably why all their friends don’t like you. (I kid). But the truth is, most therapists understand relationship dynamics and the cycles that normal relationships go through. We know that what we hear is only one side and we can often help your spouse reframe their grievances in ways they can be worked on and addressed. That’s not to say we shy away from calling abuse abuse or encouraging boundaries around acceptable behavior, but we don’t make it a habit to convince our clients to get divorces. If you feel like this is happening, ask your spouse if you can come to, or if you can see a couples therapist together. That’s how you REALLY get your voice heard.
In short, your spouse seeking help isn’t about you. And your spouse’s therapist isn’t interested in making you look bad. They are interested in helping your spouse enjoy their life to the fullest. The best thing you can do is support, encourage and ask about what your spouse is learning. Then your name might not even come up!