We are a western, capitalist culture. Whether or not you think that is good or bad is a discussion for another time, place and website. Regardless of how you feel about capitalism, it might be having a profound impact on your relationship with your spouse.
Four minutes on any amazon review page will give you ample examples of customers dictating their desired experience to suppliers. “This bag felt cheap!” “It took forever to get to me!” “I wish it came in more colors!” You only have to attempt to sell a couple things in your life to encounter people demanding a product or experience be more suitable for their liking. This is just market conditions. It is in my best interest as a provider of a product or service to give you things in a way you find most pleasing. It invites you to return and have the same pleasant experience over and over.
Perhaps very unfortunately, we have transferred some of our dating and friending strategies from marketing campaigns: best foot forward, highlight our strengths, know exactly what you’re looking for. We want to “present” a “product” that other people will “buy.” (It’s an analogy, not prostitution.) The trouble with this method is, we then somehow feel like our worth is determined by our popularity or public opinion. If no one loves me, I must be bad or wrong. If people are hurting me, I must be bad or wrong.
On the flip side, we can also use people’s failure to act in our best interests or desires as a sign that either they don’t love us, or there is something uniquely unlovable about us. “He can’t meet my need, there must be something wrong with his love for me, or something wrong with me!”
Once our minds have locked onto a fear that deep, we go into a constant state of evidence gathering. At that point, it feels impossible to think otherwise.
But friend, your loved one is not a Burger King. They do not exist to do it your way. Them doing it their way doesn’t have to mean that they don’t love you or value your opinion or needs. Sometimes it can be because it’s not possible for them. Sometimes it’s because their own unique needs in that moment are too heavy and they are unable. Sometimes it’s because the way they have learned to do it feels safer and smarter and doing it your way feels like a really scary risk. That is okay.
Also, friend, You are not a Burger King. You don’t win by convincing more and more people to like you. You don’t do better if you have something on the menu to offer everyone and commit to making it exactly the way they like it. You are you. You have many strengths and weaknesses. Some people will love you, and some people will not like you at all. And that is okay.
The bottom line is, we aren’t going to feel loved if we are trying to sell ourselves to each other. A more ideal approach is to just BE YOURSELF and allow others to be themselves as well. Appreciate the differences, value the diversity, and do your best to not take other people’s behaviors too personally.
There are also dozens of situations and circumstances for which this whole post could be wildly irrelevant and completely incompatible. For a real discussion on your specific relationship dynamics, schedule a session!